Hope for Helpers

When I tell people what I do for work they often look at me as if to say wow that must be pretty tough.

In my time as a therapist, I would say generally speaking it has not been very tough. Hour for hour it has been much more rewarding, validating, exciting, and fun. I get to have some of the most vulnerable conversations about the most explicit of topics with folks. There is space to air out secret desires, sexual understanding, shame/guilt, difficult feelings to cope with around sexuality and relationships. Clients have the opportunity to say out loud, sometimes for the first time, things that they have been struggling with on their own. I get the opportunity to assist with lifting that burden with them so that it doesn't weigh as heavily.

Another support in lifting that burden is hope: hope for a better future. Hope for improvement. Hope that things won't feel as heavy. Hope is a key ingredient in the healing process… when they come in for their first appointment and are feeling alone, hope is what gets them through the door. Hope is what keeps them scheduling regular appointments. Hope is what propels people forward when things are scary or tough.

As a therapist, I see part of my job as being a [realistic] beacon of hope. Sometimes this is just through the connection, normalizing the person's experience, or knowing that there can be small or major improvements made on the situation (or at the very least how to cope with it). In the consultation or first appointment, I usually end with goal formation so that the client and I can ensure we are on the same page and our therapeutic process. Ending on this note also has the person leaving with a sense of hope. 

So what say we about hope in our current situation? How do we as a society cultivate hope at a time like this?

Practice what you Preach There is a lot of pressure to have a calm presence because it is so key in co-regulation. is putting yourself first is difficult, try to reframe this as less of a pressure and more as a motivator. As helpers, we have our own work to do in developing our personal sense of hope. We are usually empaths and it is very difficult to be in the world as an empath right now. We may have the intellectual knowledge about grounding, containment, and self-care for our clients. This may be the perfect time to consider trying something new for your own wellness, so that you may be able to show up in your work as grounded as possible. Gratitude practices, CBT exercises, positive affirmations… no time like the present time to up our self-care game! That fake it till you make it principle may need to apply here depending on how impacted you already feel by all of this.

How Can we do our Work in Congruence with our Values? There has been a lot of pressure to shift the way we work very quickly. Many therapists are able to work remotely, and are moving to online practice. I am very grateful for the ability to do this work in a safe way so that I can continue to support the folks in my community.

You may also be considering pricing if you're in private practice, and potential sliding scales for a temporary basis so that clients can access who have lost their jobs. Touch into what feels right as a sliding scale. Tad Hadgrave from Marketing for Hippies demonstrated the pendulum process of proving to me a couple of weekends ago: think of a low price, too low, and sense what that feels like in your body as a charge for your service. Then think of too high of a price and sense what that feels like for your service. Go back to the low point and add of $5 or $10, then back to the high and subtract $5 or $10. Continue this until you get a visceral sense of what feels reasonable. 

Sliding scale may not feel reasonable either. Pay-what-you-can may feel reasonable. This is going to be extremely individual for each therapist. Perhaps make an offering of a guided meditation to your clients, or curating a list of videos/meditations/exercises/FaceBook groups they can access that might be beneficial.

Be There for One Another Helpers please support other helpers. Folks are making very individual decisions around what they do with their practices, and the timelines in which they do that. Although we are able to work from home, there may be some barriers in being able to go over to a completely online practice, especially when we're working in rural communities, or if folks are losing clients because of this move. We are all making the decisions we are out of care and concern for our clients and for our practice.

I trust that everybody is doing their best with a very difficult situation. Be kind to one another, and if you can, offer support where you can.

Fostering Hope during a Pandemic: it's a big job. Sometimes we have to slow down and be real.

I challenge us all to be authentic with ourselves and everyone socially distanced from us. Putting the professional mask on and trying to make it seem like everything is okay is not sustainable. In the name of co-regulation, clients can feel our energy and so let's name it. Let's take the shared space of anxiety to create connection and foster a visceral feeling of hope. We're doing our best to cultivate hope and a time that seems very hopeless to so many. But in the famous words of Mr. Rodgers: "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother always said - look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." 

And I know darn well you have seen that quote before and smiled. There it is. There's the hope. It's you! 💜

Therapy that Fits

Tia Larkin Counselling

Have you recently Googled something along the lines of “Therapy in [Province]"", or “Counselling for Anxiety and Depression” and you’ve been hit with a slew of options? Maybe you’re new to therapy or have years of experience under your belt; chances are if you are looking for a therapist, you’re overwhelmed, stressed, or having difficulty in your day-to-day life. It can be hard to even reach out to anyone! Ultimately, it comes down to who you think is the best fit, as you are the expert on your process and what you need (even if it doesn’t always feel like it). I wanted to provide some things to consider when it comes to choosing to see someone for one-on-one, or relationship therapy.

Note: I will be using counsellor/counselling and therapist/therapy interchangeably in this piece

1) Relationship, Relationship, Relationship

One of the most important factors when it comes to success in therapy, is the therapeutic relationship, otherwise known by a few of my clients as the “vibe they get”. Carl Rogers, the founder of Person-Centered Therapy, defined the relationship as being central to any therapeutic process. In my own experience as a client, and now as therapist, I can certainly agree with the importance of this often-overlooked factor when it comes to finding someone who fits. Some ways to get a sense of this:

• Do they offer a consultation? This may be over the phone or in person, as a risk-free opportunity to meet the person before diving in and paying big bucks for their service. You can ask any questions you might have and give a basic description of what you’re hoping to tackle in your time with a therapist.

• Do they have a website/ Business Social Media Pages? Check them out! Another risk-free way to get to know them from the comfort of your smartphone.

• Ask community members you love and trust if they have anyone they would recommend, and why?

Remember that even if you begin to see someone, if at any point you feel like they aren’t a good fit it can impede on the process. This is not to be confused with feeling uncomfortable with therapy – it can be a fine line, but therapy can sometimes be a challenging process for the client. Feel free to discuss this with your counsellor, as it is something they may not have picked up on, and they will be able to assist with this or provide alternative therapist through a referral if that’s what you would prefer.

2) The Niche or Specialized Training

Certain experiences respond better to specific types of treatment. For example, if you’re hoping to work on your Substance Use, Motivational Interviewing might be an important skill set you’d like a therapist to have. DBT is the best-known treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder. If you’re coming to tackle the effects of trauma, having someone with trauma-informed practice will be important. If you’re looking to have psychological assessments, or a formal diagnosis, a psychologist is most qualified.

It may be something bit broader, less specific, or an exploration of your life to better understand where you are today. Another aspect to consider is the potential therapist’s niche, or passions. Not only will you benefit from the knowledge and experience they have on the topic, but their passion will energize your sessions.

Another point to consider is checking in with your values and seeing yourself reflected through the populations they indicate are experienced working with, even if that isn’t what you’re hoping to work on directly in your therapeutic process. For example, I love working with those who identify as queer, poly, kinky, or sex workers, and some clients come to talk about those aspects of their lives, but for many others it’s simply a part of themselves they want respected, while they tackle their anxiety.

3) Credentials

In certain provinces (NS, NB, ON, QC, and AB), counselling therapy is a regulated profession, which means there are authorities that oversee and protect the “title” to ensure that everyone who uses the title has the same standard of education and training.

• Registration: Counselling is not a regulated profession in the province of British Columbia. That means that there are many folks doing similar work with varying titles, levels of education, and certification (…or not). If this is something that is important to you, please contact the therapist of interest and ask them if they are registered with any regulatory body for their work.

• Education: Is it important that your counsellor went to graduate school for counselling? Has an undergrad in social work? Studied at the PhD level, and has a dissertation in mental health treatment? This may or may not be an important factor to consider. Most counsellors do additional training known as Continued Education (CE) for credit and for many regulatory associations, they require a certain amount per year to remain registered. This training can be in so many areas, from a specific modality of therapy, to diverse population concerns; education on specific mental health concerns to or suicide assessment. Grad school  programs could only offer us so much; it’s often up to the individual to seek out additional training to become more competent and comfortable working with their clients.

• Lived Experience: In therapy the focus is completely on you and your process. Knowing that the therapist has lived experience with something that may otherwise be stigmatized, that you identify with, can provide some comfort coming into the therapeutic relationship. I openly identify as a queer woman so that my clients know that I have a lived understanding of what it means to be queer. I am also open about the fact that I have been in and continue to go to therapy myself. For some, this commonality can be important, for others, it’s totally not. Again, it’s completely individual. 

4) Finances

If you have extended health benefits, the credentials your counsellor has will likely have an impact on whether their services will be covered by your plan. Find out which helping professionals are covered under your plan. For example: perhaps therapy is a benefit you have, of up to $500/year, but the fine print states that they only honour that benefit with Registered Psychologists. It is tricky, but you something to check on before you get the “submit surprise” after you’ve already paid for a few sessions.

If your place of employment has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) they may be partnered with a specific organization that matches you with an available therapist for a limited number of sessions. More on this in the next session.

Professionals of varying certifications may charge differently. For example, it would be more expensive to see a Psychologist than a Counsellor. Many therapists will offer a limited number of sliding scale appointments, you can always check to see if their rate is firm or if they have this option available. We recognize that finances are often a barrier to folks who are trying to access; I encourage you to chat with the person you are hoping to see about your financial resources for therapy to see what can be done to assist.

5) an Organization or Private Practice

If you have an EAP that is covered by your employer it often makes a lot of sense financially to go that route. Unfortunately, you may not have as much choice in choosing who you will be matched with. If you are hoping to access therapy through an organization, either non-profit or within your provincial health system, there may be an extensive wait as well as little autonomy in choosing who might be the best fit.

Private practice counsellors often have much less wait-time than when you go through an organization but are going to cost more money up front. Therefore, when it comes to this consideration you may have to balance how soon you are hoping to see someone versus financial resources.

6) Availability / Timing / Location

Part of the benefit of working in private practice is that we get the flexibility of making our hours and choose our locations (with some restrictions, of course). Some of us have wait lists. Some are away on maternity leave. Some will have business hours during the day through the weekdays. Some offer online booking so you can see exactly when they have a free appointment space in the coming weeks. Some offer weekend or evening appointments. Hopefully you will find someone with a schedule that works with yours.

What about the office location: is it accessible to you? Close to bus routes if you commute that way? Video/Skype sessions are often being offered by the folks who feel comfortable using that modality, and therapy in my PJs? Yes please! Video sessions can make so many other therapists a viable option

7) What does your Gut have to say?

Even with all of these external, logistical factors: what is your internal wisdom saying? Take time to reflect on your consultations, your e-mail correspondence, their websites: who excites you? Who do you look forward to meeting with? Do you feel progress being made? Are you feeling respected? My friends, don’t underestimate the power of your gut!

Choosing a therapist can feel like a big decision. It’s a big step for some folks to even consider looking for a therapist in the first place, so kudos! Ultimately, who you choose to see is up to you, because YOU are the expert on your life and your process. Please know that you are so capable, you’re taking a big step for your wellness, and you got this. Any therapist would be lucky to meet you, but I hope you find one who fits!

Sliding Scale Sundays...

… Because many of the folks who need counselling most, are marginalized in many ways, and are less likely to be able to afford counselling.

I offer five Sliding Scale appointments per month to folks who identify as (or are exploring their identity) as LGBTQA*. These appointments usually take place on Sundays, but can be offered during my other hours if that does not work for them.

Please feel free to book a consultation, let me know you’re interested in a Sliding Scale appointment, and I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible!

Sexual Fluidity

This post was originally created for Turn Me On Podcast and the #LoveisLove Association, so I thought I should share it here. Some mature language and themes.

Who doesn’t like fluids?

Erm, fluidity that is. I love the word fluidity, because with fluidity comes another f word: freedom.

One of the most eye opening personal experiences for me by far has been the realization that I was not exactly the heterosexual being the world had attempted to shape me to be. I in no way say that in contempt, but in a way to highlight the privilege of being heterosexual in Western society.

Or, shall I say “privilege”. Let me explain.

I first saw the word Bisexual in my Human Sexuality textbook. I distinctly remember thinking “how cool is that? People can love regardless of gender?” I had made out with many women at that point, but never thought that I would fall for one. I experienced bisexual behaviour but not identity.

Fast forward to the time I started having feelings for a female friend, and that word that jumped off the page just a year earlier was very relevant and important to me. I was really excited

But not everyone was.

I had a couple of pretty negative experiences at the beginning that really slowed me down in my coming out process. They included a lot of me explaining what had “happened” or having to legitimize what I was saying. I had been “boy crazy” for so long… how could that change? Trying to date lesbian women was damn near impossible once I mentioned the “b word” or that I hadn’t been in a relationship with a woman to date. I stopped feeling as excited.

I shut down for a couple of weeks to think about how to approach this new reality. I had no shame initially when I came to terms with this, but after putting it out to the world with unfavourable reactions from two important people in my life, I did not feel safe to be myself. Then I remembered a time this had happened before: I had felt this way I had been diagnosed with depression. In both instances, I knew that I was the same person, but I was looking at life through a slightly different coloured lens. The first few people were shocked because it was not what they had expected of me. What I realized is that when I started speaking my truth and told more people about my depression (i.e., in a way, coming out depressed) I was able to form relationships with people who cared about me no matter how I was doing mentally, and found community and support. So I took that lesson, and applied it here with my newfound sexual identity.

Since my retreat I have: come out to all my close friends and family (and continue to do so with almost every new person I meet), dated a few women, been president of the university’s Pride Society, have walked in the HRM Pride Parade for the past seven years, wrote a thesis on Bisexual* Coming Out Experiences, helped develop the amazing #LoveisLove movement at MSVU, participated in talks and panels around queer identity, ran a Queer workshop with the Halifax Trade School, annnnnd now I’m here on a blog, openly outing myself all over the internet. Needless to say, I’ve queered up my life.

I like to use what I have learned in both my personal experience and my research to normalize things for other people who feel like they just can’t put their thumb on “what” they are. Gay, lesbian, bi, pan, queer, ace, homoflexible, non-binary, trans, fluid, straightish, ambisextrous, etc. There may be a period in your life that you realize you may not be as hetero, or as cisgendered, or monogamous as the world attempted to shape you to be, and you may want someone to tell you what that means.

I am here to tell you: no one can tell you.

Sexuality and gender, and monogomishness can be in flux, and are extremely individual. It’s not always clear cut, with clusters of particular signs and symptoms that can place you in a definitive category.

In other words, we can outgrow the box we put ourselves into. We are always changing in so many ways, including with our sexual and romantic interests.

Ones sexual/romantic/gender identity are also mutually exclusive from one another. So just because someone identifies as bisexual, does not mean they are also polyamorous (with multiple romantic and/or sexual partners), but it also does not mean that they aren’t. I did this really cool exercise at the Queer workshop I hosted where I had people place themselves on four separate scales as to how they were currently feeling. This got us looking at all of the areas of grey between the black and white.

The scales we used in the exercise were:

• Monogamous —– Polyamorous

• Gay —– Straight

• Male —– Female

• Male Presenting —– Female Presenting (this category was added and agreed upon by the group)

• (for future exercises I would likely also add many other categories)

What this exercise was meant to do was demonstrate individuality, messiness, the grey areas, and fluidity. These are all be separate aspects of identity. They can also be fluid, meaning that each can shift and change over one’s life independently of the others. I made sure to use sticky tack for the markers so that I could also demonstrate the potential impermanence of these placements. So I demonstrated how I would have likely identified ten years ago, as opposed to how I do now.

Each person had their own markers, and placed themselves along the scales as they saw fit

So how do we know where we fall on an arbitrary “scale”? I recognize for some people this is important. It was for me in the beginning. My answer in three words would be exploration, exposure, and play.

How can we know what we are into until we have both the safety to experience and the opportunity to try something new? In my case, I did not even know bisexuality was a thing until I read it in a textbook. It was also not relevant to my identity until I had the pleasure of meeting a particular lady that got my mojo going.

I’ll also add, just to make it even more confusing, that just because someone does something that is outside the “normative” expectations of how they might identify, this does not mean that their identity necessarily has to change. For example, if someone who identifies as a heterosexual male, dabbles in some passionate make out sessions with a guy at a party, and likes it, this does not necessarily mean he is any less heterosexual. That is unless he thinks so. This is sexual exploration, a behaviour, and not all behaviour translates into an identity label. Having a label can also be the most liberating thing for someone. So if they want to have one, let em. If it changes, let it!

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and receive a lot of pressure from others to act/appear/disclose in certain ways. Life is complex, identities are messy, and we are experiencing and learning new things all the time. This looks different for everyone – and that’s okay! At the end of the day supporting the people we know and care about is honestly the best thing we can do, despite how they identify or live their romantic and sexual lives. When I started more widely disclosing my sexual identity, I found that most people were not at all phased, and that was the best support I could have asked for. When I have open and honest conversations with people who want to know if what they’re into is “normal” I just listen. I talk it out with them. I don’t try to sway them one way or another. I’d never ask someone to figure it out. This is their life to explore and play with. They might even figure it out just to have it change again.

So when I mentioned heterosexual privilege at the beginning, I want to highlight that there can also be disadvantages if the constraints of the label limit you from doing what you want, or in this case, who you want.

So fuck it. Just fuck in safe, consensual ways that make you feel good, or in ways that you’re curious about. We won’t know until we try, and trying something doesn’t mean anything major until you think it does.

Enjoy going with the flow!

Ah, it’s happening!

Hello, and welcome to my website!

Things are moving quite quickly in terms of getting private practice up and running - there have been so many accomplishments in the past couple of weeks. (I’d include your visiting the site as one of them!)

I have an agreement with another colleague of mine to office share in Downtown Victoria, as soon as March 1st, but if folks are comfortable, would love to book consultations ahead of that time if possible. Please note, I am working part-time for Peers, and will be booking around that schedule. I will do my best to accommodate your availability.

Also! Looking to network with other counselling/mental health professionals so that I can have a stream of referral sources. One thing I’ve noticed about Victoria is how amazingly collaborative this community is, which speaks the prioritization of wellness over personal gain. I love it!

Thanks so much for visiting, and I look forward to chatting with you soon!